Missing Trip Summary (or, Questions I Didn't Ask My Dad Before He Died)

My father on Cape Cod, 1954? Photographer unknown.

My father died this past Saturday, November 18.  He was a month away from turning 90.  While his death was sudden and unexpected, it was not entirely shocking, given his age and declining health.  

People seem to generally understand:  you're never ready for something like this, no matter how much you accept that it is inevitable.

The part of this I didn't expect or foresee, is that a sudden death removes the possibility of any kind of final report-out.  The sort of summary that you might give when you know it's over but you can still communicate.  When you may feel more free to tell the truth and not be looking out for someone else's feelings.  When there's nothing more to do but look back and make an assessment. 

My dad didn't have a terminal diagnosis or any kind of timeline for "the end."  He was a tough old guy and I suppose we all thought he would keep going until a doctor told him he wouldn't.  I made sure, years ago, to try to think up all the questions I had about his life and to get them answered.  What was your first job?  What was high school like for you?  What was it like to get drafted?  What was your earliest memory?  I've got his answers written down.  He had a great sense of humor and there is a lot of good stuff.

But now that it's over, I am thinking of so many questions that I didn't ask.  Questions that didn't occur to me to ask before, or that I guess I thought were pointless to ask along the way because it wasn't yet the end.  Things like:

• So how was life really?
• What would you do differently if you could do it over again?
• What was your all-time favorite book, movie, song, food, etc.?
• What was the best advice you ever received? (And the worst?)
• When were you happiest?
• Did you do everything you wanted to do?
• Who was your best friend?
• What do you wish you had spent more time doing? (and less time doing?)
• How do you see yourself living on in me?  What parts of me carry you on?

For all those 90 years, what was the upshot?  Did he do this kind of stock-taking on his own?  I feel fairly certain that if I'd asked him, "So how was your life, really?" a few weeks or months ago, he probably would have given me some flip, deflecting answer.  He was having a lot of trouble communicating due to a stroke last year, so that would have affected how much he conveyed.  I should have asked anyway.  Maybe there is no way to get the final report, maybe this "what did it all mean" questioning will always be part of the experience of someone's death.  All I know is that the overall trip summary is missing and I really wish I had it.

 

And, because it wouldn't be a proper blog post without a resources section:

A good article on How to Find Meaning in the Face of Death (and the importance of a legacy project)

I recently read about an app that helps people share their end-of-life preferences 

If you want to learn more about someone but don't know what to ask, the Proust Questionnaire is a good place to start.

There are lots of other good lists of questions out there.  Searching the term "questions to ask a parent" can help you compile your own list.

 

Comments

[betsy]

Hey Sadie, So sorry to hear about this loss. A couple of years ago, I recorded my dad speaking about his childhood and life growing up, his ideas and thoughts and musings. I am lucky enough that he is still with us, and I plan to see him in a few days. I hope you have a good Thanksgiving and spend time with your family sharing stories. Betsy

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Both of my parents have passed. My mom was in a car accident and my dad died a slow death due to diabetes. In the end my mom I imagine was surprised to die at 39. My dad was angry and alienated himself from his best friend and casual aquantences alike. I don’t think it’s the end report that matters. I think it’s how we live in the moment that matters. A balanced life. Not to much work, not too much play, throw in some spiritual growth, participate in community selflessly. I’m still trying to figure it all out for myself, but if my dad was relegated to a net sum I don’t think he’d be pleased with his life. I think he would have thought there would be more that he could do and been sad that he doesn’t have the opportunity anymore. As for my mom maybe she would have thought, “wow I spent too much time on this kid I should have done other things”, or maybe she was upset because her car was ruined and we’d have to get a new one. I don’t think either of those really matter, they are just a thought in the moment. So for me I don’t think in terms of a score card or net results. I like to think about what is going on right now.

[sadalit]

Stacy - thank you for sharing that. Big difference in how your parents passed. I agree that the present is the only thing. Still somehow I would have liked to know what he thought of it all.

[sadalit]

Betsy - what a good idea to make that recording. I think I didn't ever do that because I wasn't sure I could bear to listen to it later. Hope you have a wonderful holiday too.